On My Dream...

My dreams are what define me as a person. It is a total infatuation I had ever since I was little. This is... the timeline... The elaboration on the story that changes my life.

When I was first introduced to the wonderful world of Science, I was but a mere two-year-old little girl. It was my grandmother and my grandfather who first instilled the concept of a "doctor." My grandparents often said, "When you grow up, be a doctor so that when I get sick, I can come to you." And so the story went on...

I have been surrounded by deaths of family members. Well... my grandparents did not live long enough to see me now. That is a pity. In anycase, I promised myself to not let people go through what I had to go through. You see, one of the reasons why my grandmother passed away, was that she had a complication due to cocktails (medicine) she ingested. Whoever wrote her prescription needed to learn more, honestly!

I have never been fond of separation. In fact, I hated it with all my life. I tried to avoid separation by putting myself in exile. It did not help. Much to my dismay, I could not stand still and watch. I have always had to do something that would interfere with something I thought either unjust or not-right.

When my grandmother passed away, it took me a while to recover. It was she, after all, that gave me the dream. The most amazing thing was that even in dreams she kept on encouraging me. I had a dream, I vividly remember, in which my grandmother told me to be as resilient as possible. She told me I need not worry about my future because she knew I would be able to pursue my study abroad. She told me to keep my faith. And I'm glad I did.

However, that dream was almost shattered when I learned that it was almost impossible for a foreigner to obtain an M.D. in the US. I approached one of the representative of a university and asked her, "What if I really really tried?" She told me that it was still almost impossible. I believed her yet a part of me knew that there must be something that could be done about it...

And yes, there was. It was not long when I stumbled upon Human Genome Project (HGP). I knew at once that this could be what I wanted to do. I have always loved laboratories and the atmosphere of researches. HGP is probably the closest I had to medical science. It was a relieve though. My dream was still alive even as it took a whole different form.

The next thing that almost trashed my dream into mere pulp was rejection. I relinquished my thought of pursuing my study in the States after I heard what the representative said about medical school, so I aimed at Singapore. Two rejections from Singapore within six years. Enough reason to give up, really.

Back to point zero. I was very distraught. I kept on asking myself why I was still alive when I knew my dream was trashed to pieces. My mother decided to enroll me into this program, my current program. It was a twinning program that well... instead of Singapore, was held in Malaysia. I looked at the program and there it was, Biomedical Sciences.

I went to Malaysia with the sole purpose of enlivening my dream. There must be something I could do. That time, I was ready to let go of anything I had, even if it meant total exile. I could not bear living in Malaysia. My thoughts were suppressed. So after two semesters, I decided to finally go to the States.

And here I am. Living my dream.

Science has always been there when I needed some solace. When all I want is a sanctuary for me to be myself. It allows me imagination, the wildest I can ever think of. It showed me that the one thing that mattered the most was, is, and always will be the people I love and care about. It gave me strength. It spoke to me about how people and itself were intertwined. And, most importantly, it showed me miracles. It was there when I needed someone to listen to me and to take my mind off disturbing thoughts.

Science for me is as a form of worship. I appreciate my life and my people because of it. There were times I stumbled. Yet... I knew there was no other way for me than to go on.

My Father gave me dreams. Even as I settled for a little bit less, He insisted that I should achieve more. That was what happened. I settled for Singapore, He gave me the States; I settled for Medical, He gave me research; I aimed to be a student, He directed me to be a scientist...

I can say that I am happily married to Science. Yet the point of the marriage is to contain the knowledge I need to finalize my dream. Someday, as I grow old, I will not be able to contain it anymore. My memories will falter. When that time comes, I shall let go.

I am but a child that plays in her own dream world, contained, saved in dreams. A child that ventures out on her own... Someday I shall come home. I hope to be able to bring back nice things I found along my journey. After all, there is no other place for me to go than home.

One day maybe people will understand why I took this path. Why I declined the life I was meant to live as a girl. Why I could not stand still and let my counterpart do the rest. Why I had to be what I wanted to be.

I never meant to undermine people with my science. The sole purpose has always been so that I can do something that is needed for people. My total infatuation was not a vessel of arrogance. It is mere infatuation. It is almost the same as idolizing an artist. The one thing different is that I do not have to follow science. We can walk together as friends, hand-in-hand.

My achievements were not for me. I dedicated them to people I love, I did, always do, and always will. I realized that I could never be either pretty, cute, smart, fun, lovable, or adorable. Yet I know that science always has the best of me, my determination and my will, my whole existence as human. The best that I could give them is my best. And that is the reason why I am what I am now...