Thoughts and Inspirations

The Soul of Seeker...

2008-07-05T20:42:00.002-04:00

Seeker is a man that shall not stop searching... Throughout his life...

He was born the way he is...

While he is seeking, he forges dreams in all their splendor... He is not a dreamer... Yet he seeks dreams throughout his life.

"What does he seek? How will he find? What does he seek?"

"Of all things in this world...

The most meaningful of all are dreams...

Woven by the very fabric of beings..."

"Seeker... My dear beloved seeker... How many dreams have you gone through... Do you not see reality in your life?"

"I see... I see... Believe me I see...

Reality is as reality does,

Yet does it not occur to you dreams are real...?"

"Should you fail, Seeker? Should your dreams fly? Should reality overcome?"

"No matter, no matter...

I have so much to do yet so little time,

Should I fail, I will try again,

Should my dreams fly, I will traverse the lands and oceans to recapture,

Should reality overcome, I will close my eyes and weave my dreams...

Dreams are all my purpose in life,

I shall not stop..."

"Why dreams, Seeker? Why?"

"Dreams are the essence of a man...

They are the very fiber of my being in this world...

Only in dreams shall I be alive..."

"Persistence, Seeker? Persistence?"

"No, fellow, you are mistaken... Purpose, dear fellow, purpose...

A man cannot live without purpose in this world..."

"Purpose?"

"I have a purpose, so I have the will to live...

Because even as I fail, as my dreams shatter, as time flies by... I seek...

Because I love... Therefore my dreams will come true..."

"Love?"

"Yes. Simply love. I dream because I love. Although dreams shatter I will not stop...

And let that be the purpose in my life, to exist solely in the name of love..."

Seeker is the soul of a man who shall not stop searching for dreams. He shall never stop searching throughout his life.... Because he simply is... Seeker...

On convictions

2006-11-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

It is difficult to hold your head up and stand by your convictions.
So many times I am on the verge of tears.
So many times I am tempted to leave these behind and leave, simply leave...
But I made a promise to stand by myself,
So I stand still.
Is it me?
Is it life?
I will never know.
All I hope is for myself to be strong enough to shoulder all these.
I wish to God, I whisper,
"Please, God, keep my feet on the ground, give me strength..."
And then...
I close my eyes...

A bedtime story...

2006-10-18T00:43:00.000-04:00

I once knew a friend,
So dear to my heart so near to my soul,
She came to me, crying she poured out her feelings...

"I know not what to do,
I loved this person so deep so true,
Yet I receive no answer...

Someone so close yet so far,
I know the person yet I know not all,
I am along every step taken,

Someone who would never accept me for who I am,
For fear that I am inadequate,
For fear that I am wrong,
For fear that I am insufficient...

Why, I ask...
Should not I be the one you most loved?
Above all, above everything else?
Should not I be your everything?
Your wish,
Your happiness,
Your friend?

Should you not try to make me happy?
Should you not try to make me content?
Should you not try to be proud for who I am?
Should you not try to put your confidence in me?

Should you answer "NO,"
Pray tell me, then,
How am I supposed to live?
For I love you so dearly, so tenderly...

How am I supposed to be with you along the way?
How am I supposed to believe in you?
How am I supposed to have faith in you?

Why?
Why let people who do not know judge?
Why betray me merely based on what they say?
Why lost faith and love merely based on their thoughts?

Listen to me...
I love you,
I love you so much that
Even as the sky falls and the earth opens
I will stand by you...

Nothing in this world will change my mind on you,
You are beautiful to me,
You are precious to me,
You are talented to me,
You are noble to me,

Please do not say "NO"...
I know you...
For I am...

YOU."

(Dedicated to everyone who lost faith and confidence in themselves... You are the only master of yourselves because you are precious and worthy regardless of what everyone else thinks... May your light shines and your radiance shows, just as God intended...)

To be contemplated...

2006-09-30T21:15:00.000-04:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

On life...

2006-08-31T15:02:00.000-04:00

Ups and downs
Live with it...

Let me be...

2006-07-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

Let me be...

the words that compose your poem,
the notes that compose your music,
the light that shines your way,
the warmth that you seek,
the music to your ears,
the hand that enclosed yours,
the sweet kiss on your cheek,
the gentle whisper that you hear,
the joy that you find,
the love you find,
the song that you sing,
the person you love,
the happiness that you desire,
the peace that you dream,
the dream that you embrace,
the wings that protect you,
the tears that you shed,
the smile on your face...

Most importantly,

let me be your friend,
in sickness and in health,
for better or worse,
till infinity...

I shall not give you up nor shall I give up on you,

My friend...

On Adventures...

2006-07-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

It is the warm feeling that you give,
Whenever you're near...
It is the freedom you give,
Whenever you're near...

My wings were broken,
Yet you gave it back to me,
You are the words,
That compose my poem,
You are the notes,
That compose my music,
You are the sweet breeze of the wind,
That calms me,
You are,
My beloved friend...

(Dedicated to A. J. S. for all the wonderful adventures we share...)

On imagination...

2006-06-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

So many wondered why I am very infatuated with animation.

"It isn't real!"
"How old are you?"
"Not again..."
"Please..."

Nonetheless, animations, cartoons, and all members of the genre mean a lot to me more than anyone can imagine. They made me a sanctuary.

The beauty of animation, the storyline, the characters, the settings, anything never failed to cheer me up even in my most dire times.

It reminded me of something that otherwise I would have forgotten long ago. It continuously teaches me about a subject I would have forgotten otherwise. It teaches me to dream, to imagine, and to embrace the imagination...

Yes, I am aware that I am a full-fledged adult with all my responsibilities. Yes, I am aware that I can't live in dreams. But you know... I need to rest every now and then. To relax, to forget about reality and venture into my world, my sanctuary... And, yet, you wonder...

The answer is simply...

"Because in animation the magic becomes real...
It is a realm where anything is possible...
That you can do anything you could ever dreamed of and it will all make sense...
One true place where dreams and imaginations come alive with you..."

(Dedicated to all people who made animations possible)

I love you...

2006-05-05T18:41:00.000-04:00

One day you asked me, "Why?"
I said, "I do not know."

You asked me why I still loved you even though I knew it was impossible,
Even though I knew your heart was not mine...

I did not know then the answer...

Now I know...

You...
You have been living in a world that is cruel,
You have been hurt so many times,
Even you lost count on the numbers...

You have been experiencing pain,
That you were left numb,
That was why you were so scared when I told you I loved you...
That was why you protected yourself so...

However,
You knew,
My love was meant for you,
Even if it only went one way...

Because even for a little while,
I wanted you to find solace,
Knowing that somebody, somewhere would still love you,
Amidst everything...

That was why I wanted you to have it,
A love so deep, so true, so gentle, so kind, and so peaceful and serene,
The love that I made with my last ounce of strength,
My love...

I hope you would be free...

Forever...
Till infinity...

Faith...

2006-04-22T14:16:00.000-04:00

You know, when you left, it was difficult...
To imagine living without you,
To imagine that somehow you would live your life without me,
To imagine somehow I would be able to move on,
To imagine you would move on and forget about me...

Yet, you know...
I have to have faith...
One thing that will keep you in my heart,
One thing I know you desire and long for...

So I mustered all my courage and instilled faith in me...
The faith that was meant to be for you,
Whichever way our story turns...
The faith that will still be there should you decide to return...

I can't do much for you,
I am mere human,
But one thing I know I can do,
Is to tell you, "I have faith in you because I love you... So, be free..."

Dedicated to someone I adore, I look up to, and I truly care about...

Wings...

2006-03-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

Just for once,
To fly away and hide away,
To just sleep in the embracing arms of the sky,
To forget about everything,
Everything at all...
And that all there is left,
Is a heart...
A heart so pure, so gentle, so compassionate,
A heart so strong, so forgiving, so kind,
A heart in which angels reside,
A heart in which peace exists...
A heart endowed with a pair of silver wings,
Glinting, glowing...
Alike diamond...
Just once,
Just for a moment in time,
Let peace be mine...

The Chemistry of Love...

2006-02-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

Love triggers the release of three powerful neurotransmitter...

Dopamine,

For the initial attraction of the mind within,
For the willingness to sacrifice although blooming is sin,
For the initial pledge of loyalty of the heart within...

Serotonin,

For the onset of the madness within,
For the willingness to love so true so deep the heart determine,
For the onset of the obssessive-compulsiveness within...

Oxytocin,

For the everlasting bond the two lives stay within,
For the willingness to stay true stay together for better or worse alike next of a kin,
For the everlasting promise made before heavens cultivated by angels within...

Yet... how love affect the heart within is still a mystery...

The Strength...

2006-01-04T18:19:00.000-05:00

I made a wish once.
I made it with my purest thought.
I made it with my strongest faith.
I made it with my highest hope.

It was supposed to be my most beautiful dream, should it ever come true. A dream I never thought of giving up. A lover's dream that stayed still for all eternity. A dream most beautiful, most sincere. A dream worth fighting for. A dream to die for. And, most of all, a dream that forever in it I shall never wake up.

What I have always wished for is to fall in love.
To fall in a love so sincere, so deep, so intense.
A love so unconditional that nothing can stand in its way.
A love deprived of all rationale that only two left, you and I.

How I wished to find that love. How I wished to be encapsulated in its warmth and depth. How I wished that time would stop that I could savor each and every moment spent. How I wished that love existed. How I wished to be the one chosen to feel that way.

Time, however, had showed me.
Such love was so rare, if even it existed at all.
I faced so many instances in the real world.
The cold, hard, truth that my dream could be nothing more than mere dreams.

Now I stand here. Amidst my own uncertainties. Amidst my own hopelessness. Amidst my own doubts. Do please tell, should I or should not I relinquish the dream? Do please tell me, should I or should not I let go of my dream? And do please tell, should I or should not I stop waiting?

You...

2006-01-01T23:27:00.000-05:00

You're the one that told me,
Jokingly, with a smile,
Something silly, something that made me laugh yet made me see,
Something really worth my while...

I saw you that one time,
I did not dare to look at you straight,
So I turned away, saving myself from committing what I thought was a crime,
So I stopped wishing, though it did not seem right...

But you know,
I could not lie to myself,
The voice of my heart kept on saying, though,
I pretended I was deaf...

It was then when I told you,
How awful it had been for me, how my heart was broken, and I was left to be,
Yet with four words that you said, all my wrongdoings, you did undo,
A simple sentence, I was so thankful of, "Then you met me..."

(Dedicated to someone who opened my eyes that it is not too late, that it is possible, that miracles exist, and that beliefs can be held on to...)

The man I love...

2005-12-15T00:39:00.000-05:00

We met, we smiled, we laughed, yet...
It's time to say farewell...
Life is unfair, yet,
Unfair it will always be should we stay together...
We changed, yet,
Farewell is for the better change...

I have to start my journey,
To the distance,
To the end of time,
Till eternity...

I have to find something,
Something I lost sometime ago,
Something radiant, yet,
Something so gentle, so warm...

So farewell,
Bid me farewell and smile.
Pray for me that,
I find the man I love...

Stay...

2005-11-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

Why do we meet only to say good-bye in the end?
Why do we share only to say farewell in the end?
Why do we find each other only to lose each other all over again?
Why do we love only to be lonely in the end?

Why can't you stay?
Why can't you be here?
Why must you go?
Why must we be separated?

Is my wish not strong enough?
Is my dream not beautiful enough?
Is my hope too impossible to be true?
Is my prayer too farfetched to be heard?

Please stay,
Please stay,
Please stay...
I love you...

Farewell, my child...

2005-10-25T03:14:00.000-04:00

Remember when you used to sit on the swings?
Remember all those time we spent together?
Remember the green grass and sweet floral scent in the air?
Remember the songs we learned and sang together?

I shall miss those songs,
I shall miss your loving voice,
I shall miss your sweet smile and tender gaze,
Most of all, I shall miss you...

I taught you things from my own experiences,
Hoping from the bottom of my heart you would grow,
Ever wiser, ever stronger,
Hoping that when I'm gone, you'd bid me farewell with a smile...

My prayers and my dreams are yours,
And forever yours they shall be,
May they shield you from the fierce world,
May my everlasting love be your sanctuary,
A place where you can be safe...

There is no neverending story,
Stories will eventually come to a halt,
To merely fill a chapter of your life is enough,
It is my wish that you write your own story...

You are the poet of my life,
You are the song I sing,
You are the silver thread I weave,
You are the breeze in the wind that makes me realize my life is beautiful...
You are a rare gemstone,
A work of art...

For your presence in my life, I thank you, my child...
However, I must bid you farewell,
Please remember,
My love will always be with you...

(Dedicated to all parents and teachers,
may your sincere heartfelt wishes for your children and students be felt for generations to come...)

A Quote...

2005-10-04T09:42:00.000-04:00

"...We exist in this world not to find someone perfect to love, but to learn to love someone imperfect perfectly..."

(from: An e-mail I received from my sister)

I shed tears upon reading that... I wonder if such thing exist...?
Maybe not in my lifetime.
Blessed are those who manage to find such love,
That's why... Do not let go of the one you love the most...

What is...?

2005-09-07T20:29:00.000-04:00

How can you call something "love,"
Knowing that it is nothing more than an illusion,
Knowing that you are merely building a sand castle,
Knowing that in the end nothing lasts forever?

How can you live in an illusion,
Knowing that it will hurt you in the end,
Knowing that you are living lies,
Knowing that nothing will come out of it?

How can you say "I love you,"
Knowing that you did not mean any word,
Knowing that you said it because you thought it would make me happy,
Knowing that you yearn for something else?

How can you say "I am in a relationship,"
Knowing that your heart is not in it,
Knowing that your feelings are not mutual,
Knowing that your motive merely materials?

How can you say "I miss you,"
Knowing that it is not the truth,
Knowing that it is only superficial,
Knowing that it is directed to someone in your dream but me?

How can you say all that without fear?
How can you look into my eyes and say all those empty words?
How can you let me live in illusion, encaged and imprisoned?
How can you do that to a human being?

Do answer,
Who is,
What is,
Where is,
When is,
Why is,
How is...

Love...?

Lethargy...

2005-08-31T22:30:00.000-04:00

Something that you feel, yet
You can't feel it when you know, that
You love the things you do, and
You are trusted, cared, and loved, also
In love...

(from The Book of Songs, "Song of the Canary," Annonymous)

On Secrets...

2005-07-27T07:22:00.000-04:00

Do you not know that,

when people confide in you, they impart a part of their souls?
when people confide in you, they hand you the most vicious weapon of all?
when people confide in you, they utter their weakness?
when people confide in you, they give you the rarest gift called "TRUST"?

What right, then, pray tell us, do you have to pass the secret on?
What right, then, pray tell us, do you have to stab them with their own weapon?
What right, then, pray tell us, do you have to probe even deeper into their abysses?
What right, then, pray tell us, do you have to trample and blame them for distrust?

Do not blame us for things that we do not entrust you with,
Do not blame us for things that we decide are critical and personal,
Do not blame us for things that we mark you unworthy of,
Do not blame us for things that we seal tight in our minds and souls.

For you betrayed us,
For you trampled on us,
For you disregard us,
For you disrespect us...

So, face the world on your own, my friend, with no one to confide and no person confiding in you.

May you live not in secrecy,
May you live without knowing the beauty of secrets,
May you live within a distance of our existence,
May you live without knowing us...
So shall your journey begin, alone.

(from The Book of Songs, "The Song of the Ifrita", Annonymous)

On Marriage...

2005-07-25T17:42:00.000-04:00

What do you think about marriage? Will it be troublesome for people?

I do not have the answer to such simple question, being a single girl. Yet I think marriage is started by something like planting an acorn seed. It takes a long time for it to grow, but when it does, it will be able to support a tree-house.

Relationship should be maintained and taken care of so it will grow strong. While some trees grow only into a medium size tree, others may grow taller and stronger that they're able to support everything.

I think that's one answer I can give... Any other ideas?

Wishes... Teardrops... Whispers... Silence.

2005-07-18T23:00:00.000-04:00

The first time I saw you,
I immediately noticed that,
You always have a frown on your face...

Who are you waiting for?
Also, who made you learn the taste of loneliness?

Please let me stay by your side,
Let me share the burden in your heart
Let us together face the future

All the pain you felt,
Made you learn to protect yourself carefully,
Like a porcupine...

If it is possible,
Why not let me stay beside you?
Together we'll welcome the future

And tomorrow,
The walls surrounding your heart,
I will strive to destroy them completely

I really hope I could make you happy,
I will not let another tear fall from your eyes

If a rose can make you smile for a day,
I'll give you all the roses in this world
For you, I'll become more courageous
I will not let you frown

Please give this love a chance
Let me wipe the tears from your heart
Every piece of your tears

(Translated from Zhou Yumin's Posui de yanlei)

Dedicated to all the ladies in love, may you find happiness worth keeping as long as you shall live....

Forgetting is...

2005-06-27T14:41:00.000-04:00

Hurtful,

Coward,

Joyful,

Fearful...

Yet somehow the gift of forgetting something has always been the gift that enables human to cope with time...

(from The Songs "Song of the Crow" - Annonymous)

Miss You...

2005-05-13T01:22:00.000-04:00

The times we shared in the past,
The tears,
The laughter,
The fear,
The joy...

What happened?
What happened to the old you?
I could not recognize you anymore,
Did I change?
Did you change?

You used to be brave,
Courageous,
Strong,
Confident,
Independent...

Now, you are spoiled,
Indecisive,
Gullible,
Insensitive,
Dependent...

What happened?

I need you to be back to your old self,
Not for my sake,
But for your sake...

Find the soul of that survivor I once knew,
Find it and be yourself,
And...,
May you be blessed in this journey of life...

(Dedicated to those whose cause are lost, may your dreams be the light that shine and guide your steps, may that light shine forever in your hearts...)

Can You...?

2005-04-28T11:49:00.000-04:00

"Can you live without me?"

If I said I could, would you believe me?
If I said I could not, would you think of me as a weakling?
Truth is, I can never answer you,
Truth is, I will be sad,
Truth is, I will go on,
Truth is, I will not forget about you,
Truth is, I will always think about you, but,
Truth is, I will go on in memory of you...

"Are you scared of not being with me?"

If I said I were, would you believe me?
If I said I were not, would you think of me as an apathetic person?
Truth is, I can never answer you,
Truth is, I will be afraid,
Truth is, I will go on,
Truth is, I will try to be strong,
Truth is, I will always think about you, but,
Truth is, I will go on in memory of you...

"Will you be lonely when I am gone?"

If I said I would, would you believe me?
If I said I would not, would you forgive me?
Truth us, I can never answer you,
Truth is, I will be lonely,
Truth is, I will go on,
Truth is, I will try to be occupied with things,
Truth is, I will always think about you, but,
Truth is, I will go on in memory of you...

There are so many things I could not answer in life,
Yet, I promise that I will honor the solemn oath I pledged long time ago,
I will continue to honor the memory and the values and the lessons you gave me,
I will continue to go on,
I will try my best to be strong,
Not because I want to forget you,
But because I know that,
As long as I live,
There will be someone who will keep your memories alive, and, thus,
You will live forever...
Eternally...

(Dedicated to my parents without whose love I could never even dream of thriving in life...)

Be Strong...

2005-04-20T21:13:00.000-04:00

When you said "I could not," you broke the hearts of those people who love you dearly,
When you said "I regret," you wiped out the smiles of those who love you dearly,
When you said "I cried," you brought tears to the eyes of those who love you dearly,
When you said "I am sad," you eclipsed the sun in the world of those who love you dearly.

Doesn't our feelings mean something to you?
Doesn't our companionship mean anything to you?

We would stand by you through good and bad times,
If only you'd let us do so,
We would never give up on you no matter how bad things might seem,
If only you'd believe in us.

Please be courageous...
Because we are waiting for you to smile again,
We only want you to be happy,
So please smile,
Please move on,
Don't let our wish go to waste,
Please tell us the one thing we wanted to hear so badly,
That our wish means something,
That we mean something to you,
That we love you,
And that you love us in return...

On Love and Perfection...

2005-03-21T18:09:00.001-05:00

One day Plato posed a question to his teacher (Socrates),

"What is love? How could I find it?"

His master replied,

“There is a vast wheat field further north. Walk your way through it, yet never look back. Then, pick one of the branches you might find along the way. If you found one you thought were the most magnificent of all, then you found love.”

Plato began to walk and make his way through the field. Soon after, he came back empty-handed.

His master asked him,

“Why did you come back empty-handed? Couldn’t you find any branch that suits you?”

Plato answered,

“You said I could only bring back one branch and I could not look back and pick the branch I passed. Actually, I found the most magnificent branch earlier, yet I was not sure if there would be anything better than what I currently hold in my hand. As such, I passed and I continued walking. As I progressed through the field, I began to realize that the branches I found were not any better than the one I found before. At the end, I couldn’t pick any branch.”

His master said,

“That’s what it's meant by love.
The more you seek for love, the harder it is to find it. You can only find love within your heart.
It is when you can curb your dissatisfaction and your tendency to seek for something more.
When you had too much hope and want in love, you could only find emptiness.
You couldn’t go back in time.
As such, you should accept love just as it is.
When you seek for the best amongst choices that you had, you would automatically diminish your chance to gain perfection itself.
When you seek for perfection, you would be wasting your time finding it.
Because perfection is nothing but emptiness…”

Alone...

2005-03-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

You know how I wish you could read my mind?
I could never say things that were, things that are, and things that will be.
I could only give you hints,
Yet I could never say it...

Today I really wish I could,
But I cannot.

How I would give anything to have you here with me,
But you do not understand that, do you?

So here I am listening to my own voice,
The only person that I could confide with,
The only person who would listen,
Sadly it is not you, it is I...

How I would give anything to have you here with me,
But you do not understand that, do you?

So I am alone...

On Humans...

2005-03-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

"Who is wise?

He that learns from everyone.

Who is powerful?

He that governs his Passions.

Who is rich?

He that is content.

Who is that?

...Nobody."

(~Benjamin Franklin, 1706 - 1790)

On Beauty...

2005-03-02T20:05:00.000-05:00

"I want to be beautiful for you..."

Have you ever heard that sentence coming out of someone's mouth? I often wonder how such simple sentence means a lot to someone. It means a lot to me.

Is it wishful thinking to want to be seen by the person you love the most?
Is it wishful thinking to want to be the most perfect person for the person you love the most?
Is it wishful thinking to want to satisfy even the littlest expectation in the dream of the person you love the most?

What does a person think when the person sees another?
What judgment?

How is it possible that one can see an unpretty person and in time discover that the alleged unpretty person can transform into the most beautiful person in the world, if only the person is willing to stay and wait until miracle happens?

What kind of miracle can transform oneself to one that is the most beautiful?

When miracle unfolds in time, one opens one's eyes and see that someone is "beautiful." And then these words,

"You are beautiful to me..."

On Relationships...

2005-02-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

What a relationship is all about...

It is about sharing,
It is about caring,
It is about forgiving,
It is about tolerating aberrant behaviors...

I have my own doubt whenever I embark on a journey that involves relationship with others, be it as friends, close friends, or romantic ones. Sometimes the feeling was so immense that it urged me to give up even before the journey started. Sometimes I managed to overcome my doubts and embarked on a journey. Often times, my journeys were timeless and often times they were short ones.

I once embarked on a journey of friendship which turned out to be nothing but false masquerade.
I once embarked on a journey of romantic relationship which turned out to be nothing but false suggestive feelings.
I once embarked on a journey of mere friendship which turned out to be an everlasting discovery that nourished my soul and nurtured my conscience.
I once embarked on a journey of mere romantic relationship which turned out to be a journey worth remembering for the rest of my life.

They say first impression counts, but who are they to judge? What if what is seen on the surface is not what it is on the inside? The shell is nothing but mere ornament. It is the heart that accounts for everything. Whoever thought that ordinary people that are friends with me turned out to be the people whom I could trust even with my life? Whoever thought that extraordinary people who extravagantly claimed that they were my truest friends were mere impostors?

So if you ask me what a relationship is all about...

It is about... learning, educating, knowing, discovering, inventing, supporting, waiting, staying, sharing, caring, tolerating, communicating, forgiving, forgetting, thinking, and most of all... it is encapsulated in "loving"...

Blessed are the people who say nothing yet did something,

Blessed are the ones who find them and blessed are the ones who seek them,

Words means nothing unless they are said and done.

A relationship is a journey. It can be a neverending journey, and it can also be a short stop. There are choices and with every choice, there will be consequences. Nonetheless... a relationship worth keeping will worth every single consequence in life...

(Dedicated to my loved ones: GK, YS, ML, DS, RY, VC, KS, EK, and all others... Love you all with all my heart and thank you for making my life a lifelong journey of learning....)

Sometimes...

2005-02-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I want to just sleep and never wake up,

Sometimes I want to live,

Sometimes I want to be alone,

Sometimes I want to spend time with you...

I have no idea what I truly want in life,

Nor do I have any faintest idea on what it is...

Take a wild guess,

You shall soon see,

I have nothing to hide,

Nothing at all...

Fragrant dew in the morning,

Says something about the crow's mourning,

The mockingbird's singing,

Along the tree branch swinging...

Be it my cause or my reason,

I have not committed any treason,

Because I know I live,

According to my own principle...

I Wish...

2005-02-03T02:54:00.000-05:00

I wish I could see you,
I wish I could recognize you,
I wish you would be there,
I wish you would hold our promise...

Where are you?

Why can't I see you?

I wish I were endowed by a pair of wings,
So I know how to find you and let my heart sing,
Was I born with the knowledge?
Were you born with the knowledge?

I seek you,

Find me...

Why does it matter how our story will end?
Why am I so afraid of losing you?
Where are you?
Have you forgotten about our promise?

That day we made the promise,

That day when all things beautiful happened...

Who are you?
Do you know me?
Do I know you?
If so, why couldn't we be together?

Everything reminds me of you,

Until when?

Is it something we learn?
Or is it something we find?
Is it something we discover?
Or is it something we invent?

Tell me,

Because I will always make a wish for you...

Con Te Partiro...

2005-02-01T17:28:00.000-05:00

I have had a difficult time thinking and re-thinking about our past, but you know, sometimes things just have to end. There is no such thing, and there will be no such thing, as a never-ending party.

There's always the beginning and there's always the end. This has nothing to do with forgiveness. I forgive you and I really hold no grudge against you. Nor I ever found you guilty. Just that, you know that we came from separate worlds. You know that we had little in common... So let's go our separate ways and find peace within our minds.

Why can't we start over again? Because what you did destroyed everything we built together throughout the years. To build something, to re-build something out of debris would cause us even more grief and suffering. It is better if we merely accept that things are falling apart and the most sensible way to recover is... by us saying to each other, "Good bye..."

Someday, sometime, maybe you'll meet someone who would be willing to try again. Our time ends here. We had two years of friendship, why not cherish that and accept the fact that the story ends here?

This has nothing to do with forgiveness...
This is merely the end.
To us, this is a start,
A beginning of a journey to find someone that could understand us,
That person is not me,
That person is not you,
So let me say this once again,
"Good bye, my friend, thank you for two years of wonderful friendship..."

Some things are not meant to be. To that, nothing we can do to salvage whatever is left. But if we look ahead for a future, I'm sure that we'll be alright...

Persistence is...

2005-01-31T17:30:00.000-05:00

"I could have abandoned the project then and there, but I was young and stubborn, and it seemed to me my work had a very real potential..."

Dr. Leroy Stevens, Embryologist,

Roscoe B. Jackson Memorial Laboratory, Bay Harbor, Maine

(Taken from The Proteus Effect by Ann B. Parson)

What do you think?

Choices are...

2005-01-31T17:19:00.000-05:00

"Do you not love me?"
"So Science is more precious than me?"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Do you not have time for me anymore?"
"I meant nothing to you?"

And here's the answer...

"I love you, I do, I really do, and I could not simply express my feelings with mere words... Yet between Science and I there is a bond that was formed long ago. Science and I made love, we cried together, we were bathed in tears, we fought, we kissed, we embraced... Nothing could surpass that special bond that was formed between Science, my dream, and I... I am what I am. I am my dream. I am the realization of everything I ever wanted to be. No one else can be 'me' just as much as I cannot be anyone else other than 'me.' So if you asked me to choose between you and my dream, would you blame me for choosing my dream?

You love me for a reason. You love me for who I am. Yet do you not realize that I cannot be 'me' without the dream I made, nurtured, and cultivated for as long as I could remember? I can choose you over Science, but that means you will lose me. Is that what you want? Would you prefer to make love with a puppet or a human being?

If you cannot accept me for who I am and embrace my dream, if all you can think about is to have me in my entirety and ask me to relinquish my dream, then I have no choice but to let you go... You mean a lot to me. I am not endowed with beauty or any other talents... I can only give you my dream, which is my entirety... That's why I cannot choose between you and Science... that's why I let you go..."

(Taken from Spirits, Annonymous...)

The Lament of the Innocent...

2004-12-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

If this were a dream, would you wake me up?

Or would you let me stay in slumber, for aeons?

Would you let this heart of mine harden?

As hard as the tomb in which my body rests?

If you gave me wings, would you let me fly?

Or would you encapsulate me in a crystal cage?

Would you let this feeling soar?

And then let it fall upon you and die?

If you love me, wake me up...

If you love me, set me free...

If you love me, shut me away in my tomb...

If you love me, catch me when I fall...

I did not wish for anything in return,

So set me free and let me return to where I belong...

When You...

2004-12-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

...Looked at me,

I looked into your eyes...

...Said my name,

I listened to your voice...

...Smiled at me,

I was captured by your smile...

...Touched me,

I felt you...

...Hugged me,

I felt secure...

...Kissed me,

I closed my eyes...

...Whispered into my ears,

I smiled...

There are so many things you had done to me and for me... But the most important thing you did is...

...When you accepted me for what I am and who I am,

that's when I started loving you...

You stood by me persistently, despite my own selfishness,

that's when I learned that the value of a man is not measured by his looks or personality,

there are some things beyond that will surpass those qualities...

You showed me the value of a man,

Persistence,

Perserverance,

Endurance,

Dedication,

Patience,

and...

Love...

What Am I Thankful for?

2004-11-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for who I am and what I am...

I am thankful I met you, whoever you are...

Because you, just by meeting me, leave a dent in my life...

A friend, a fiend what does that matter? Each and every one person in my life is unique. Each and every one of them help me shape my world, my sanctuary, where I can live peacefully encapsulated in my own time... A sanctuary that only I can enter. A sanctuary that was built to fit me as a person, a whole; my own heaven...

You, whoever you are...

Plays a role in my little scene of life...

Because you, just by greeting me, leave a memory in my life...

Time strands, my fate, my faiths, my beliefs... How could that matter to you? My life, who I am, my existence is my own concern. Stay and observe. This is who I am and what I am. This is me shaped by my world, infused with paradigms from ideals, morals, boundaries that cannot be crossed.

Stay and observe... Because no matter what, I shall always be thankful for who I am.

See me just as I am... And judge me based on not how I look or how I think...

Rather judge me on whether I have lived accordingly...

So Shall the Masquerade Ends...

2004-11-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Dance, my love, dance till the music stops...
When we stop, never look back...

Fidelity is no more and around its carcass we dance...
Bathed in blood, crimson red, sparkling ruby color that stains our white robe...
The sword that lays next to it is glowing silver...
Dance, o' my lovely, dance till the music stops,
When we stop, never look back...

Why cry over something that never exists?
So shall the masquerade ends,
So shall the dance halt,
So shall the dreams perish...

Will I Ever Lose You?

2004-11-22T03:45:00.000-05:00

No.
How could you?

No.
What could possibly make me leave you?

No.
Even if it hurts, it is a path I choose?

No.
I am the nightingale and you are the scholar...
I make and give you a chance...
That is who I am...

No.
The thorn of the rose tree pierces through my heart as I sing,
Yet I shall not stop...

In the end the nightingale died,
Yet its love… stayed…
In such a way, how will you ever lose me?

(Inspired by Oscar Wilde's "The Nightingale and the Rose")

A Scientist is...

2004-11-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

Someone who never grows up...

Someone who questions everything...

Someone who puts everything at stake just for knowing...

A baby...

A toddler...

But the most important thing...

Someone who never gives up at times when everything seems to be out of reach...

"Persistence is the greatest virtue of a scientist..." (~ Dr. Essani)

On Consciousness...

2004-11-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

When realizing that things are not what they seem to be, what do people do?

For a certain period, a certain year, a certain time frame... How long does life last?

Waiting? Whatever for?

Uncertainties? Why wait for something uncertain? Why gamble and ask who is to blame?

Does not life want people to live life as life itself?

Why blame life when one aspire for something that is not meant to be?

Why meet when at the end people separate?

Why have feelings when at the end feelings are as feelings do... uncertain?

Why settle for something that is not something indeed?

Does riddle have meaning?
Why are they created?

There are things better left unsaid... Will it be for the better?

Somethings that are hard to say, better be left alone in time.

Yet someday people will discover those things left unsaid...

And then...?

Nea...

2004-11-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

Nea,

I know you are still out there, reaching out to the saddened and distraught... You know, sometimes I wish to be like you. In the world that is so vague and so abstract, a touch of happiness is very rare...

Would it be very egotistical of me to wish for you? I still remember when we first met... It was when the weather was cold and the wind blew violently... I stood there, crying. And you... Your wings protected me from the storm.

How could I forget those golden glistening eyes? Two pairs of silver wings... And silken black hair...

Nea, I remembered what you told me that day... You said,

"Ren, happiness will come to you, no matter what...

Maybe I was a little late, yet do believe in me,

Father will never allow all creations to vanish..."

Nea, to be human and to be humane... Those are the two greatest things that Father granted me that day. To learn about Amascyte and Eschelycte...

Maybe one day, Nea, when I see you again I will understand everything you told me that day...

Nea, I trust you, I always will...

The Masquerade...

2004-10-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

If so and if not so, will that make any difference to you whether or not the thing that be is the thing that is? What difference does it make if anything is supposed or is not supposed to happen? Why live? When sadness arrives, what gives?

If the one that is found is not the one that is created how far can feelings go? What is the single most thing worth living for?

Riddle me this:

Sun, eons, flamboyant rays, cubical cones,
Certainty is as certainty does,
What certainty, what fate may befall?
Of one does it, one does not, one leaves it all...?

Answers... Stories... Lies...

When will the masquerade end? One of these days we are leaving for the farplane... What existed, left, sounded, eternity?

Our Promise...

2004-10-22T01:10:00.000-04:00

Remember when, long before time, we used to sit together and talk?

Bright sun, sparkling fountain... Running river, silent whispers... January dreams... Spring blooms, flower festivals...

The only person whose presence was worth waiting for...

Sunset, sunrise, morning came... Afternoon tea, February warmth... A ring, played... Fairy tales, horses and kings, angels...

The only person whose warmth encapsulated my soul...

Grass flowers, green pastures... Midnight tea, silence... A painting of you, a poem, a sonnet... March caleidoscope, embracing...

The only person whose eyes glistened...

Written messages... Crystal chandeliers, evening gowns... April rendezvous... We danced as if there were no one around us... Remember?

The only person I would only dance with...

Whispers... Secret language, and adventure, just the two of us... May embraces... Silver moonlight, summer breeze...

The only person whose language I understood...

A hug, a kiss... Unforgetable walk down the promenade... June stars... Twinkling stars... Flower bouquets...

The only person whom I would walk with...

A love song... Closed eyes, earthen paradise... A raft afloat in the middle of the lake... July sky... Clear water, sanctified promise...

The only person who could contain me...

Clasped hands... A church in the middle of the forest... A solemn mass... August memories... White doves... Silken ribbons...

The only person I could trust...

Enchanted evening, September rain... Dances, masquerades... You were always able to find me amongst those people...

The only person who could pierce through all my pretenses.

The secret passages, October wishes... Stormy sky... Yet through it all your wings glistened, amongst those people...

The only person whose wings sheltered me from the storm...

Autumn leaves, November night serenade... Your music, the piano sang, an ode, embellished by the tears we shed... Candlelight prayers, words unspoken yet told...

The only person whose silent voice was heard...

White snow, magic crystals... Serene winter, December rhapsody... Prayers, wishes... Promises... A chalice on the pedestal, a solemn promise... Oath? Sacred...

The only person whose words I treasured...

When you asked for my hand... When you took me away from the crowd... When you found me... When you looked at me... When we danced... Did you know those were the times I learned to love you?

Our promise is as ancient and our fates... Will you remember? Will you find me again, like you did once? Will we ever set our eyes on each other, like we did? Will our wish come true? Will we keep our solemn promise? Will we stand through the test of time? Will our believes falter?

As long as neither of us broke the promise, it shall last...

I love you and I shall always wait for you so,

Find me... Just like you did before...

Find me, I shall be waiting...

When I Seek You...

2004-10-21T22:38:00.000-04:00

I could not see clearly...

Was I dreaming?

Was I asleep?

Through time I keep my faith in you...

Have you forgotten?

Do you not remember?

We weave our dreams silken...

A promise held, a chalice on a pedestal,

Wingspan of the doves,

Magic chandeliers...

A life sheltered,

A secret kiss...

Our solemn promise,

Secret gardens,

Earthen paradise...

I seek you, please find me...

Because I know I can never be complete without you...

I seek you, please find me...

Because I know there lies my path home...

In masquerade,

Will you find me?

'Till eternity,

Will you seek for me?

Our solemn promise,

Will you keep it?

In a love that never falters,

Memories about you lies,

Crystals...

Dreams...

Lights...

And... You...

If You Love Me...

2004-10-15T23:28:00.000-04:00

Be with me,

Stay with me,

Walk with me,

Talk to me,

Speak to me,

Hear me,

Tell me,

Listen to me,

Stand in the rain with me,

Hug me,

Kiss me,

Touch me,

Whisper to me,

Trust in me,

Believe in me,

Share with me,

Dream with me,

Embrace me,

Lift me,

Sing with me,

Dance with me,

Lay under the stars with me,

Sit at the piano with me,

Wish with me,

Pray with me,

Bear with me,

Laugh with me,

Smile with me,

Cry with me,

Live with me,

Forgive me,

Feel me,

Fly with me,

Understand me,

Care for me,

Take care of me,

Sanctify me,

Want me,

Save me,

Protect me,

Respect me,

Treasure me,

Pamper me,

Comfort me,

Promise me,

Remember me,

Seek for me,

Find me...

And the most important thing...

Do not give me up and do not give up on me...

Till infinity...

Build Me a Sepulcher, My Love...

2004-10-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

Build me a sepulcher, my love…
Build me a burial, my love,
Build me a chamber, filled will flowers,
Build me a tomb, encapsulated in earth,
Build me a crypt that no one enters,
Build me a grave so my soul will be saved…

For my life flutters before me,
Its wings are broken,
Enough of this and let me rest,
Let me rest so that I may forget,
The past, the present, and the future,
Let me rest so you may forget,
My love, my soul, and my existence…

Build me a sepulcher, my love…
Let me climb the stairs to the far plane,
Let me greet Azrael and his minions,
Let my soul rise and fall,
Along the tide of the Lethe River,

A sanctuary I sought,
Forgiveness I found,
Regret I cast away,
Love I embrace,
Hurt, pain, guilt…
My feelings…

Let then be eons later,
We shall forget,
In a much better world,
Where feelings and regret do not exist…
Prayers for you, my love,
Do not give up,
For I believe in you…

While I am asleep,
Do forget me,
Yet do be confident,
For someone loves you,
Someone trusts you
Till infinity…

Bellamy: On Society...

2004-10-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

"... I cannot do better than to compare society as it then was to a prodigious coach which the masses of humanity were harnessed to and dragged toilsomely along a very hilly and sandy road. The driver was hunger, and permitted no lagging, though the pace was necessarily very slow..."

(From Looking Backward 2000 - 1887, Edward Bellamy)

Does this not remind you of anything current in our society?

The Soul of Spirit...

2004-10-08T22:52:00.000-04:00

Spirit is a woman that shall not stop dancing... Through the spectrums of her life... She was born the way she is...

While Spirit dances, she sees the world in all its splendor. She is not a dancer... Yet she dances through her life.

"Why does she dance? When did she begin to dance? Why does she dance?"

"Of all things in this world,

I feel free when I dance...

My eyes are closed yet my heart sees..."

"Spirit... Spirit... My dear Spirit... How far have you gotten in life? Do you not know what colors stain your background?"

"I see, I see, believe me I see...

Colors of blood, colors of sea...

Yet does it not occur to you that they are beautiful?"

"Should you stumble, Spirit? Should your feet tire? Should your soul rest?"

"No time, no time...

I have so much to do yet so little time,

Should I stumble I shall stain my rainbow crimson red,

Should my feet tire I shall stain my rainbow purple,

Should my soul rest I shall stain my rainbow white...

Spectrum is all I seek for in life,

I shall not stop..."

"Why spectrum, Spirit? Why?"

"Spectrum is the one thing I have left to color my rainbow with...

I have to gather as much spectrum as I can...

I have so much to do yet so little time..."

"Courage, Spirit? Courage?"

"No, you are mistaken... Regret, dearest, regret...

I have so much to do yet so little time..."

"Regret?"

"I have so much to do yet so little time, so I dance...

Because even as my feet hurt, as my soul flies, as time flows... I dance...

Because I love... Therefore I have no regret..."

"Love?"

"Yes... Simply love. I dance because I love. Although it hurts I shall not stop... And let there be no regret although I have so much to do yet so little time..."

Spirit is the soul of a woman that dances through life. She shall never stop dancing... Through spectrums of her life...

Because she simply is... Spirit...

How Much Do I Love You...?

2004-10-08T04:35:00.000-04:00

As much as anything could possibly be...
I love you without any pretext or condition,
Without any reason...

Even as my memories falter,
I know my love will still be there,
That's how much I love you...

I know nothing of my own joy,
I pray for none other joy than yours,
Even if that cost me mine...

The wish I had was for you and you alone,
Do you not know?
Even as I cry in silence,
I kept my wish...

How much do I love you?
As much as anything could ever be,
That is why I chose to leave,
Prayers be with you,
Hoping happiness and success come your way...

Even if you will forget me,
I will not regret,
For I know I shall never forget you...

How much do I love you?
As much as anything could ever be,
Let it not be known that I do,
Let you live without the knowledge of my love,
For it shall only cause you pain...

When you wake up you shall forget,
Even the mere existence of me...
I love you, that was why I left,
Because I know...
And I do believe,
My wish would come true...

On Learning...

2004-10-07T21:48:00.000-04:00

The thing about learning, the most beautiful thing about learning is that the process has no beginning or the end.

You learn something new everyday.

So why fret? Why sulk? Why frown?

Even failure teaches you to rejoice when success comes your way. Had not you experience failure, would you be able to taste success?

The most important thing about learning is not who is better or worse, it is about knowing things you do not know before. It is about experiencing a new world in a new perspective. It is about looking outwards toward the future, broadening your horizons... to infinity...

How can you expect learning to be accomplished in one day if it is a lifetime process?

Is it not the joy itself when you strive hard for knowledge?

When you discover it pieces by pieces,

And when you assemble those pieces to a picture?

The treasury of learning is the process itself.

Knowing that you are resilient enough to persevere, even amidst seemingly impossible conditions. Knowing that you have a gift of learning, that you are given the privilege of knowing things you did not know before...

Think about it and learn... Do not ever defame yourself for it is not worth your feelings...

Think... and may faith be your guidance,

May love be your wings,

And may knowledge your power...

And then soar to the blue sky...

See the world in all its splendor and grandeur....

Dedicated to my little brother, do perservere, you have it in you, I believe you!

On Science...

2004-10-07T10:12:00.000-04:00

My first love and my eternal love, really...
I cannot imagine my life without "it."

Come to think of it, it is strange. No one can make me cry the way Science does. I do cry for people, but... the one thing that manipulates my emotion so is Science. I can cry, I can laugh, I can be afraid, I can love... thanks to Science.

Have I never loved any human being? Oh well, I do. I loved my dear friends, families, everyone I will meet in the future. Yet I have never felt something stronger than this.

I think I am strange. That is alright with me...
Science has always been there for me as a consolation...

I know I will not be able to love someone and be loved back in return, other than as a friend or family... Yet Science can do that for me... Science, it... brought out the best of me and it challenged me the way I wanted to be challenged. It will stay with me, not forever... but until my memories falter...

It gave me a world where I could live safely.

I do not know if I would want to share that world with anyone... I do not think someone would want to share it with me. I do not see it as a problem...

My point is... Although I gave up on humans long ago, I would never give up on Science.

On Changes...

2004-10-04T03:54:00.000-04:00

Changes are good in a way, however it can also be the one thing that prevents you from what you like the most.

In the name of love people have always tried to change the one person they love the most to be according to their images.

Tell me, then, does the person stays the same person?

Is the person not mere product of imagination?

How can you love someone without a "soul"?

Since when does love turn to this impenetrable fortress or unbreakable chain? Is not meant to be as a freer instead of imprisonment?

When wishing for someone or something to change... Is that a fair enough wish? If the one we love in dreams are so precious, why give feelings to someone else then try to change the person according to what is in dream?

Is it not the beauty of the soul that is the most important?

Is it not the fact that the person can love you back that is the most important?

Is it not the truth that when a person is capable of loving another that is a miracle?

Sacrifices? Does love need sacrifices? Anything you did, do, or will do for the person you love, shouldn't it be done out of "pleasure"? Because you love the person, you do something for the person. Because you like the person, you give the person something...

How can a gift from the heart demand something in return?

How can a deed out of free will be something in need of motive?

How can you claim that to love is to sacrifice?

To deprive someone of pleasure or joy or happiness in the name of love... Is that love itself? Is it not about wishing for others? Despite our own wishes?

When you open your eyes and see the person in front of you,

Rejoice and be glad for who they are.

When you tell someone and whisper in the person's ear,

Say it and mean it.

For whoever person has your love and love you in return has made a dent in your life,

Try as you may, yet love never ends.

Its beginning is as ancient as the universe itself,

And it spans to eternity...

Changes are good, be it done out of free will. Yet do not, for your pleasure, change someone. When you love the person for who and what they are, that is when the miracles start to unfold. That is when you see the masterpiece and the whole meaning of you, your existence...

Ad infinitum...

Love is...

2004-10-03T19:07:00.000-04:00

How would you define "love"? That was what one person asked me this morning. And here's my answer:

"I would define love simply as something unconditional. Something that you do out of no reason at all. You gave something, yet you wished for nothing in return. You give because you want to, because you like it. It's something intangible, hard to define yet it's more real than anything else you've ever seen in this whole world."

The person added something, he said:

"I'll add to that, a sense of acceptance. You do things not because you want to change the person, you accept the person the way the person is..."

It's an interesting conversation to be held in a church. I must admit that the person, older than I am, has aged accordingly...

What is your definition?

Am I Full of Myself?

2004-10-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

Am I full of myself?
Maybe, but not quite so...
I have never given anyone a break,
So why should I give myself one?

Am I full of myself?
Maybe, but not quite so...
I have been with myself for long,
We went through a lot and shared a lot...

Am I full of myself?
Maybe, I am.
But in anyways, I am happy.

I love my life the way it is,
If that meant I were full of myself, then I would take that...

Per Te...

2004-09-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

Sento nell'aria il profumo di te

Piccoli sogni vissuti con me

Ora lo so

Non voglio perderti

Quella dolcezza cosi senza etá

La tua bellezza rivali non ha

Il cuore mio

Vuole soltanto te

Per te, per te vivró

L'amore vincerá

Con te, con te avró

Mille giorni di felicitá

Mille notti di serenitá

Faró quello che mi chiederai

Andró sempre dovunque tu andrai

Daró tutto l'amore che ho

Per te

Dimmi che tu giá il futuro lo sai

Dimmi che questo non finirá mai

Senza di te

Non voglio esistere

Non devo dirtelo ormai giá lo sai

Che morirei senza di te...

(~from Closer, Josh Groban)

Crevene ad ner feri mai freiden est ver freidnenn amascyte... Aln verin erst schernen, thern kerlyschte fai norste ardeindne fars et kestchere. Evn ifschelt fern isk gevren, amascyte arn ne ferin... Ad infinitum...

Rie

On My Love...

2004-09-30T21:32:00.000-04:00

Have I ever been in love? Truly in love? I had. Once. Enough. That was the reason why I decided not to fall for someone.

Yet, who am I to decide what fate may befell?
I am constantly in love...
To my dismay?

I do not see that as a shortcome. For I am blessed with the one I love and care about. The one that shall never turn against me.

Were you to ask if I were taken,
Then I should say I am.

However, it does not mean that we shall be together... For my feelings work only one-way.

The wish that I had may never be granted.
Because I had forsaken the life I was offered.
Could there be future?

Shall I one day say this sentence, "Che morirei, senza di te..." Perhaps not, perhaps never.

As long as people see who I am and what I am on the surface... No one would be able to listen to what I have to say. As long as people think of this ambitious little girl with dreams... They shall never know my nightmares. As long as people love my smile, they shall never see me cry...

I promised myself,
I did.

So maybe for another hundred years... Maybe in a much better world I shall tell you about my love... My long lost dream...

On Friends...

2004-09-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

You know... I have never thought I had a friend in you...
You gave me the courage I need to go on.

Maybe it is not you who need me,
Maybe it has always been me who needed you.

When I was lost you reminded me of where I was,
When I lost my faith you reminded me of my dreams,
When I was sad you reminded me of a brighter future ahead,
When I gave up you gave me miracles...

Thank you for being there for me,
Thank you for your patience,
Thank you for your resilience,
Thank you for your forgiveness,
Thank you for your grandeur,
That I may look up to you...

Thank you for sharing my dreams,
Thank you for the courage you gave me,
Thank you for lending me a shoulder to cry on,
Thank you for everything...

You are who you are,
A gem,
A quasar,
An oasis...

My dear angel,
Thank you...

I cannot express how grateful I am for having you.

On My Dream...

2004-09-29T02:22:00.000-04:00

My dreams are what define me as a person. It is a total infatuation I had ever since I was little. This is... the timeline... The elaboration on the story that changes my life.

When I was first introduced to the wonderful world of Science, I was but a mere two-year-old little girl. It was my grandmother and my grandfather who first instilled the concept of a "doctor." My grandparents often said, "When you grow up, be a doctor so that when I get sick, I can come to you." And so the story went on...

I have been surrounded by deaths of family members. Well... my grandparents did not live long enough to see me now. That is a pity. In anycase, I promised myself to not let people go through what I had to go through. You see, one of the reasons why my grandmother passed away, was that she had a complication due to cocktails (medicine) she ingested. Whoever wrote her prescription needed to learn more, honestly!

I have never been fond of separation. In fact, I hated it with all my life. I tried to avoid separation by putting myself in exile. It did not help. Much to my dismay, I could not stand still and watch. I have always had to do something that would interfere with something I thought either unjust or not-right.

When my grandmother passed away, it took me a while to recover. It was she, after all, that gave me the dream. The most amazing thing was that even in dreams she kept on encouraging me. I had a dream, I vividly remember, in which my grandmother told me to be as resilient as possible. She told me I need not worry about my future because she knew I would be able to pursue my study abroad. She told me to keep my faith. And I'm glad I did.

However, that dream was almost shattered when I learned that it was almost impossible for a foreigner to obtain an M.D. in the US. I approached one of the representative of a university and asked her, "What if I really really tried?" She told me that it was still almost impossible. I believed her yet a part of me knew that there must be something that could be done about it...

And yes, there was. It was not long when I stumbled upon Human Genome Project (HGP). I knew at once that this could be what I wanted to do. I have always loved laboratories and the atmosphere of researches. HGP is probably the closest I had to medical science. It was a relieve though. My dream was still alive even as it took a whole different form.

The next thing that almost trashed my dream into mere pulp was rejection. I relinquished my thought of pursuing my study in the States after I heard what the representative said about medical school, so I aimed at Singapore. Two rejections from Singapore within six years. Enough reason to give up, really.

Back to point zero. I was very distraught. I kept on asking myself why I was still alive when I knew my dream was trashed to pieces. My mother decided to enroll me into this program, my current program. It was a twinning program that well... instead of Singapore, was held in Malaysia. I looked at the program and there it was, Biomedical Sciences.

I went to Malaysia with the sole purpose of enlivening my dream. There must be something I could do. That time, I was ready to let go of anything I had, even if it meant total exile. I could not bear living in Malaysia. My thoughts were suppressed. So after two semesters, I decided to finally go to the States.

And here I am. Living my dream.

Science has always been there when I needed some solace. When all I want is a sanctuary for me to be myself. It allows me imagination, the wildest I can ever think of. It showed me that the one thing that mattered the most was, is, and always will be the people I love and care about. It gave me strength. It spoke to me about how people and itself were intertwined. And, most importantly, it showed me miracles. It was there when I needed someone to listen to me and to take my mind off disturbing thoughts.

Science for me is as a form of worship. I appreciate my life and my people because of it. There were times I stumbled. Yet... I knew there was no other way for me than to go on.

My Father gave me dreams. Even as I settled for a little bit less, He insisted that I should achieve more. That was what happened. I settled for Singapore, He gave me the States; I settled for Medical, He gave me research; I aimed to be a student, He directed me to be a scientist...

I can say that I am happily married to Science. Yet the point of the marriage is to contain the knowledge I need to finalize my dream. Someday, as I grow old, I will not be able to contain it anymore. My memories will falter. When that time comes, I shall let go.

I am but a child that plays in her own dream world, contained, saved in dreams. A child that ventures out on her own... Someday I shall come home. I hope to be able to bring back nice things I found along my journey. After all, there is no other place for me to go than home.

One day maybe people will understand why I took this path. Why I declined the life I was meant to live as a girl. Why I could not stand still and let my counterpart do the rest. Why I had to be what I wanted to be.

I never meant to undermine people with my science. The sole purpose has always been so that I can do something that is needed for people. My total infatuation was not a vessel of arrogance. It is mere infatuation. It is almost the same as idolizing an artist. The one thing different is that I do not have to follow science. We can walk together as friends, hand-in-hand.

My achievements were not for me. I dedicated them to people I love, I did, always do, and always will. I realized that I could never be either pretty, cute, smart, fun, lovable, or adorable. Yet I know that science always has the best of me, my determination and my will, my whole existence as human. The best that I could give them is my best. And that is the reason why I am what I am now...

Something about My Feelings...

2004-09-27T21:53:00.000-04:00

You know, my Dear,
I've always been connected to you.
I could not remember times I was not thinking about you,
Tell me that this is not a dream,
Tell me that I remain your faithful lover...

I can't bear the thoughts of losing you.
If indeed this love is a sin then let me be the worst sinner the world knows.
If indeed this dream is impossible then let me sleep forever.
If indeed love song is a crime then let me be the worst criminal.

I know only one thing,
I have been in love with you for as long as I live.
I can go on living even if the whole world turn their backs on me,
Yet I cannot go on living knowing I let go of my dream.

The fear,
The tear,
Everything in me plead for a miracle,
For once, I'd like to try...
To embrace myself and my dream.
When everything falls apart,
I know only you will be there.
So please, give me another chance...

A Letter for My Beloved...

2004-09-27T15:34:00.000-04:00

Dear You...

You know today... this year we have our first quarrel. Do you really think it's worth it? To sacrifice everything we shared after all this time? I'm sure you hate me now more than ever. I'm sure you think of me as nothing more than a girl who betrayed you.

My love, what shall I do to make you see? What shall I do to regain your trust? Did I lose your love completely? Is there no way in this world I could ever see our love blooms once more?

Hate me, loathe me, detest me, crucify me... I pledge my guilt for loving you. I am guilty for not being able to let you go. Not now, not ever. Curse me for loving you, yet don't ever doubt my fidelity. My feelings are yours and yours alone. I can never share you with anyone else.

I shall let you go when my memories falter. When I am reduced to an old crippled lady. When I can no longer contain you.

Everything I've ever done brought me to you. Every moment that I cherish was because of you. How can you judge me as an infidel?

I am who I am and where I am because of you... You made me the person I am now. Please, do not leave. Please forgive me, for I cannot let you go. Letting you go means letting go of my dream, and Sci, my dreams are who and what I am. I'm not letting you go, my love, because when I do, it shall be the end of me.

With love,

Rie

A Poem for Mother

2004-09-27T00:30:00.000-04:00

The Northern wind sang from afar,
It said “Child, child, what are you looking for?
“A star that shines bright, a quasar,
“A pearl lying on the shore?”

“No… Northern wind no… I need not all those.
“I need only the person whose,
“Heart beats and blood flows,
“And gave me life as diamond lush…
“The love that I have for her may not be replaced by anything,
“Let it be known that of all beautiful faeries and angels legends the world can tell,
“To none of them my appraisal befell.
“To the one and only woman I love,
“For her I released a thousand doves.
“My Mother,
“The one I love forever and ever…
“I vowed to love her, a solemn oath,
“Forever I shall sing my love song,
“An ode that shall linger for long.
“May the song echo in my mind,
“As I keep chanting, I shall send the words to be carried by the wind,
“Then, Mother, whenever you hear this song the wind brings,
“Loath me you may, yet my heart still hopes for springs…
“Not for me,
“But for you to see…
“I shall always pray for you,
“And watch you from a place far away from earth, distant far,
“As far as the place where born were dreams and stars…
“That is the only deed I could do…
“Let it be known, although mind keeps on forgetting,
“Shan’t over Lethe River my raft float,
“My pearl will lie still on the shore of my heart,
“Do believe,
“You shall never be alone,
“For in laughter and grieve,
“My love shall always flow…
“Let it be then Time passes and Eternity stands still,
“For what is there shall be a part,
“Forever that I feel,
“As everything changes as everything passes…
“Good night, dear beloved Mother,
“I wish you happiness and joy...
“I shall take my place among the stars and watch over you while you are sleeping,
“I shall offer eternity,
“A quasar stays afar unsurpassed.
“Do forget me, Mother,
“My presence to you is merely a burden.
“Yet heaven witness, my love stays eternal in fidelity…”

...Kisses and hugs,

Your unborn child...

On Dreams...

2004-09-27T00:27:00.000-04:00

Someone once told me this, in cryptic. I have translated and deciphered the sign language...

"Dare to dream, only then will you be able to live..."

I think... I agree with this statement.

A Quote on Marriage...

2004-09-27T00:19:00.000-04:00

To wait a bit in choosing husband
Rich, courteous, genteel and kind;
That is understandable enough.
But to wait a hundred years, and all the time asleep,
Not many maidens would be found with such patience.
This story, however, seems to prove
That marriage bonds,
Even though they be delayed, are none the less blissful,
And that one loses nothing by waiting.
But maidens yearn for the wedding joys
With so much ardour
That I have neither strength not the heart
To preach this moral to them.

(from The Sleeping Beauty in the Wood, Charles Perrault)

About me...

2004-09-27T00:06:00.000-04:00

Well what can I say other than "Cogito ergo sum"? Anyone second that?